Table talk

First case of mad old bat disease

At the outbreak of the BSE crisis, Jeremy Leach, an environmental health manager in East Sussex, was giving a talk to the Women's Institute when one of the members asked him if he still ate beef. He said he did.

The woman then said she had stopped eating beef for the time being. However, she had noticed it was being sold extremely cheaply, so she was stocking up her freezer until it was safe again.

And the smoke stays across the road

Booking accommodation in a hotel in the North of England recently, a guest requested a quiet room.

"Oh, all the rooms are at the back of the hotel, and that's very quiet," said the receptionist, before adding helpfully, "the factory is on the other side."

Nice to know that marketing hasn't completely banished honesty.

Is that a burger bun in the oven?

A woman became so fed up with a mobile burger bar setting up business in a lay-by near her home that she wrote to the council to complain.

In her letter, she mentioned that at 3.30pm most days a schoolgirl would go into the van and the shutters would go up. The police and an EHO were dispatched to the scene.

However, the police said they could only take action if the girl was under age, while the EHO admitted that all he could do was make sure the owner of the van washed his hands afterwards.

Putting his money where his mouth is

Leading Italian food critic Edoardo Raspelli recently announced that he had become the first person to have his palate insured, for £400,000.

The claim drew a swift response from our own Egon Ronay, who countered in a letter to the Daily Telegraph: "Lloyd's insured my palate for £250,000 in 1993."

Another critic who might seek some cover is Jonathan Meades. After his recent comments about Taunton, the man from The Times might need protection against irate West Country sheep farmers.

That's one way to open bleary eyes

The Hempel is the place to stay if you are going to have a hangover, it seems.

After the recent Cateys dinner, one reveller staying at the London hotel decided to try and ease his aching head by making use of the supplied can of Opur - 99.5% oxygen inhaled from an aerosol.

Checking out, he was presented with a bill for an extra £20 for the oxygen - at which point he gasped in horror.

In future, perhaps just looking at the price will suffice.

To be eaten with real ivory cutlery

A Japanese television network has outraged viewers by showing its presenters enjoying tiger meat in a cooking programme filmed in China.

Coming soon to a TV set near you: panda chops, black rhino burgers and orang-utan fricassée?

Parliamentary reform? but why?

Halfway through a House of Lords debate on liquor licensing last week, Baroness Sharples stood up and asked: "Is the minister aware that many years ago I owned and ran a pub and that I never gave a short pint?"

To which Lord Williams of Mostyn replied: "I can say that in Great Tew, which is the family estate of the noble Viscount, Lord Falkland, there is a most excellent public house called the Falkland Arms, which I have patronised."

Reminds me of the old joke about the peer who dreamt he was making a speech in the Lords, and woke to find that he was.