table talk

The security videos should be good fun

AN OUTBREAK of nudity in the corridors at the new Holiday Inn Express in Southwark, London, is providing a modest amount of immodest drama.

Guests have been confused because the bathroom doors are so close to the self-locking bedroom doors. One poor chap was discovered by staff creeping naked around the potted plants in reception.

Wear sturdy pyjamas, I say.

don't make a fuss - it's nessie on holiday

NOT to be outdone by the monster in Loch Ness, diners at Donegal's Lough Eske in Ireland have sighted their own.

Sunday diners at Harvey's Point country hotel flocked from the lakeshore restaurant to view a large reptile-like creature that appeared and disappeared for five minutes or more. Manager Seamus Caldwell said: "I couldn't pinpoint what other possible thing it might be. It may be a monster."

Clearly a cautious man, Caldwell added that nobody got eaten. Pity, it would have made an even better story.

If it was dead, how did it bite the hook?

A MORE tangible monster catch was made by a chef elsewhere in Ireland, when fishing on his afternoon off.

Malachy Linnane, deputy head chef at the Corrib Great Southern hotel, landed a 20ft-long whale. Trouble was, it was dead. Still, he landed it and had a photo taken - in case nobody believed him.

At least you can be sure they're ripe

FANS of shellfish are advised not to ponder too long the results of a new study, which reveals that the "fresh" lobsters you serve could be older than the customers eating them.

Government scientists have discovered that male lobsters can live as long as 42 years, while many females don't pop their claws until their early 70s (males always seem to be the losers in longevity).

The crusty crustaceans have come to light thanks to a new pigment test developed at Leicester University.

Your room's on fire? call 999. 50p, please

EXORBITANT phone tariffs may be driving hotel guests to shun bedroom phone calls but one Scottish hotel appears to have found a novel way to rake back some cash.

A reader of The Scotsman claimed: "I stayed at a very nice small hotel with a view of Salisbury Crags - they know who they are - which charged 50p for each INCOMING call."

So what's next - a coin lock on the lavatory to get out?

And we don't mean frenchmen

THE Park Hall Hotel offers a waterside view, cräche facilities, a post-orgy refuge, and a well-stocked larder of woodlice, slugs and insects.

If you think this sounds like the ultimate in niche marketing for those who combine an eating disorder with sex addiction, think again. The building is so small it fits in a 2ft x 1.5ft network of wood and plastic piping in the wildlife garden at Park Hall Comprehensive School at West Bromwich.

It's a hotel for frogs.

It's a little more personal than a tip

THEY say the worst food critics are chefs themselves, but Paul Kitching, director and head chef of the Michelin-starred Juniper restaurant in Altrincham, found a local chef's vegetarian wife was the one dishing out advice.

After a meal at the restaurant, Kitching was surprised to receive a £10 book voucher and a list of vegetarian cook books. In response, he has offered a complimentary, 10-course gourmet meal.

And the voucher? Kitching confessed: "I went out and bought the Michelin guide."