Small-scale production of fermented foods banned

Miso, kombucha, sauerkraut, and a host of other on-trend fermented foods could soon be off the menu after the FSA moved to impose a surprise ban on goods produced in-house by restaurants and other establishments.

The move, which comes into force today, comes after fears that the foods, beloved of hipsters in cities across the UK, was putting the health of diners in danger.

"Recent studies have shown that fermented foods produced for consumption in restaurants present an unreasonable set of risks," a statement by the Fool Standards Agency (FSA) said.

"In certain instances, a build-up of gas within the Kilner jars often used to store fermented products can cause them to shatter. Because these jars are often placed within view of restaurant diners, we cannot condone the continuation of this process.

"We have also found that the purported health benefits of these foods is questionable and that it has little effect on its consumers, other than fostering a sense of overbearing smugness in those who eat it."

"Caterers and restaurants need to stop the fermentation of vegetables immediately. We will be holding a Kilner jar amnesty at locations throughout the UK for the duration of today [1 April] and we encourage all establishments harbouring the jars, even if they are used for display purposes only, to hand them over."

However, news of the FSA's action prompted anger among proponents of probiotics. Kim Cheadle said: "I simply cannot believe that anyone would take this ban seriously. It's an absolutely rotten idea."

The FSA was unrepentant in the face of such objections though. John Obsworth, compliance director and fun extractor at the FSA said: "Many's the time I have left something unattended in a bowl in the back of the fridge for a few days. We all do it, but that doesn't mean we should take it out after a week and sell it to some poor, unsuspecting bloke in a beard and lumberjack shirt for a fiver."

He added that the FSA would be releasing a raft of other measures throughout the day, including a colour chart issued to hotels and restaurants to ensure that toast was the correct shade of brown, a proposed limit on the number of people who can safely share one dish while eating out (to avoid fork-related stab injuries to hands and transfer of germs), and a crackdown on burger cooking that will see all caterers required to cook patties at 450C for 3.5 hours or risk prosecution.

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