Bunions, eccentrics and record takings

WE'RE having the best month ever, with record takings and occupancy. I don't even need to look at the till readings or compare the banking: my bunion is telling me all I need to know.

I didn't discover feet as a noteworthy part of the body until I became a hotelier seven years ago. Before then I had thought that I had been an active individual strutting around on my favoured stilettos as a rising young executive with a still-trading employment agency.

Over the years the shoes have become more expensive, wider and a lot lower. As my girls will testify, employment at the Lodge is not complete without my lecture about proper footwear, but this has been to no avail personally.

The bunion has become part of my life and the big decision now is whether we take our holiday in November abroad or whether we spend three weeks in a medical centre sorting out the minor health problems we have acquired and haven't had time to sort out.

With 100% occupancy, we have had more than our fair share of customer idiosyncracies. I sometimes ponder whether there is a travel agent out there funnelling all its misfits in my direction.

The strangest request this month came from a guest who was reluctant to check in because our receptionist could not tell him what material our roof was constructed from.

This was followed by two dour ladies from Tyne and Wear who spent their week with us trying to trade their evening starter for a gin, their pudding for a whisky and their breakfast for a pre-dinner vat of sherry. Their diet consisted, as far as we could see, of alcohol and Ryvitas.

The guest de résistance was a foreign guest with limited English. We have an old-fashioned switchboard system, which means that when someone telephones to speak to a guest, we phone the guest and tell them there is a call on, for example, line one.

Communication has been difficult. We couldn't even manage simple greetings, let alone tell the guest that we have a phone call for him. But I thought I had solved the problem when I decided to send one of the girls up to his room with the master key and she could just hand him the phone. The screaming 18-year-old who returned had been confronted with a nude guest, who appeared to have misinterpreted the service she was offering.

Sanity is retained only by browsing through holiday brochures and assuring ourselves that our annual reward is near. n