Earth's warning to the Martian tourist industry
Okay, so now it's official: there is life on Mars. Well, it's sort of official. The fossil found inside the meteorite that was discovered in Antarctica seems to indicate there was some form of life on Mars 4.5 billion years ago.
It was fairly low-tech stuff; multi-shaped, microscopic organisms. But life was pretty basic on earth around that time, too.
There isn't much around today that was here 4.5 billion years ago, with the possible exception of The Archers and Tony Blackburn. By my grasp of logic, it seems those ancient but dumb Martians could have evolved into something more sophisticated in the intervening billions of years, a fact that is of great significance for the hospitality industry.
Unique opportunity
I say this because the unquestionable evidence of life on Mars offers a unique business opportunity we should grab without delay. Interplanetary tourism - so frequently discussed regarding the moon, but still not even on the starting blocks - has been given just the lift-off it needs.
Nobody wants to go to the moon for a holiday because it is only a boring lump of rock, Gibraltar without the apes. Yet a trip to Mars, experiencing different cultures, flora and fauna is a far more interesting proposition. What is more, we could export to Mars all the good and intelligent aspects of earthly hospitality.
The first thing to take to Mars is a drive-thru McDonald's. There is no better symbol of modern culinary art and efficiency. It would also signify that Martian tourism had entered the big league. A tourist resort without the golden arch is a tourist resort without a future. As tourists are driven around the Mongo National Park in a dune buggy, they can grab a bag of familiar earth food instead of taking a risk with dodgy Martian food. I feel sure the Martian atmosphere will not affect the taste of a Big Mac although, owing to weaker gravity, it may seem lighter than usual.
Hotels
The next necessary thing is hotels. Not just any hotel, but a Travelodge. Can't have Earth tourists risking Martian independent hotels, travellers have every right to know where the soap dish will be before entering a hotel bedroom.
Gerry Robinson should send Charles Allen on a site-finding trip to Mars without delay. If he doesn't, that crafty Alan Parker will have a string of Travel Inns on Mars before you can say little green men with soap dishes.
There are logistical obstacles to developing tourism on Mars. Recruiting the local workforce could pose a problem if Martians do not have a natural service culture. Guests could be put off if staff were rude, scruffy, spoke in monosyllabic grunts, dropped food on guests' clothes, regularly turned up late for work and took lots of sick leave. Come to think of it, that may not be too much of a culture change.
We will need a Mars Tourist Board. To function efficiently it must be asked to review its strategy at least once a year, reforecast budgets downwards twice a year, and change its boss at the Department of Interplanetary Heritage once a month. It will also need to instigate a hotel classification system that offends nobody yet manages to completely confuse the traveller. I suggest calling it the green moon system.
In this rush to develop we should not ignore the sensitivities of the local Martian population. Their culture and heritage should not be bastardised, but properly understood and appreciated.
To deal with this problem, tourist entertainment should include such delights as Martian craft and customs nights. There, Martians would put on clothes they haven't worn in a couple of million years, do folksy dances, and sing traditional Martian songs such as A Mars a Day Helps You Work, Rest and Play.
There may be those among you who think this has all been a wee bit whimsical, another piece from that Caterer chappie who occasionally writes nonsense stuff.
It may well be complete nonsense, then again it might be interesting to tear this page out, bury it in a time capsule and see how funny it sounds in a couple of hundred years. Providing we haven't all been nuked back to the single cell stage, it might be truer than you think.
