Married

A LEADING chef recently admitted that he had great difficulty in being able to pin-point one single catering marriage - including his own - that was happy.

The nature of the job - involving long hours away from home every evening and most weekends - has been the cause of many relationships drifting apart, he observed. The relationships reach a point where the wife, who is left at home bringing up the children, no longer has anything in common with the husband who is working all hours to carve a successful career for himself.

This, together with the very social atmosphere of working in a restaurant or hotel, often results in extra-marital affairs. However, while an affair provides short-term excitement for the parties involved, it will do nothing but complicate the marital problems even further.

The scenario is very familiar to Zelda West-Meads, spokeswoman for the relationship counselling charity, Relate. Long, extended work hours are one of the most common causes of marriage breakdowns, which over the past 30 years have increased by almost six-fold.

"A husband who is working long, unsocial hours will often be spending more time with work colleagues than with his wife and family. It is therefore very easy for the person at home to start resenting the amount of time her partner is spending at work.

"The working partner is torn between the needs of his job and home. Often he will extend the hours away from home by relaxing after work with colleagues over a drink or a meal - something that is all too easy to do within the catering industry. While this avoids the hassle at home, it also only makes matters worse there."

For couples who can see similarities between this situation and their own marriage, West-Meads says that such relationships can be salvaged, so long as both parties are willing to take the time and make the effort to sort out their problems.

"If we were counselling a couple in this position, we would aim to discover whether it is necessary for the husband to work such long hours and find out whether or not he is unnecessarily extending his working hours," she says.

"We would advise the couple to make a schedule in which they set aside time that is sacrosanct for the family.

"It is very easy for the resentment to build up over many years and for the arguments to become more entrenched. If a couple recognise at an early stage that they are drifting apart, then that is the time to do something about it rather than always finding excuses not to talk.

"We would aim to help the husband understand why his partner felt neglected and encourage the wife to become more understanding about the nature of the job.

"When the couple are together it is vital they make each other feel important and cared for, rather than to spend all their time together arguing about the time when they are not."

Taking time to talk to your partner about your feelings and frustrations is the adviceoffered by a leading industry personality, now divorced. While his career has been a glittering success, his personal life has unfortunately not followed the same path. "It is a very stressful profession and it is easy to become obsessed with the job - but it is no different for lawyers, doctors or others working long hours," he says.

"It is strange how we spend so much time nurturing the customers who stay in our hotels and eat in our restaurants, but we forget to do the same to our loved ones. There are bound to be problems if we devote all our energies to our work so that we haven't got any left to give at home," he says.

"It is easy to forget that relationships need a lot of care devoted to them and if they don't receive that, the people involved will drift apart and no longer speak the same language - then there's often no going back." o

l Relate provides confidential advice on any aspect of relationship difficulties. For the telephone number of your nearest centre, look in your local telephone directory under Relate or marriage guidance. If you are unable to locate the number, contact Relate's headquarters which will then refer you to your local centre (0788 573241).