Table talk

That'll please his turf accountant

I hear that Giovanni Malacroni, owner of Gio's Restaurants and Bars in Cardiff, has had a very busy week. The Welsh Italian has finally managed to sell off the turf he bought at the recent auction of artefacts from the Welsh temple of rugby, Cardiff Arms Park.

After a morning spent buying catering equipment, Mr Malacroni agreed to purchase the last piece of the hallowed turf. He then learnt that this was three-quarters of the pitch, which cost him £9,750.

He broke even in the end, and any excess money made is going to the Welsh Rugby Union's youth team. Apparently everyone thinks they have the exact spot where Gareth Edwards scored one of his famous tries against England.

Waddle we do when they're gone?

Following my tale of the Peabody ducks, other hoteliers have written to tell me about their own feathered friends.

The Moore Place Hotel in Aspley Guise, Bedfordshire, has made the acquaintance of a pair of ducks who landed on their pond.

Mother duck soon produced 10 ducklings, much to the entertainment of the hotel's guests. The ducklings quickly became a fixture, wandering into reception whenever they were hungry.

Sadly, the little family was last seen waddling toward one of the hotel's rivals - whose pond is bigger and better.

Wasn't he the chef for Madonna?

I report further evidence that food is now the new rock and roll. Eighties pop star Paul "Wherever I Lay My Hat" Young last week turned up on Channel 4's Light Lunch programme to assist Aldo Zilli, Soho restaurateur, in the kitchen.

I believe Mr Young put his microphone (and his hat) down long enough to help Mr Zilli cook his distinctive Italian cuisine. Two minutes spent in the presence of a TV chef, it seems, is enough to relaunch any career.

Never try to cramp a woman's style

An army of women brandishing tape measures is apparently poised to descend on restaurants and hotels in Wiltshire, determined to measure those most private of parts.

The target of the 5,000 Women's Institute members is to flush out cramped lavatory cubicles from the county, and the vital statistics they are interested in are those between toilet bowl and door.

Apparently, some cubicles are so small that women are forced to perch on the seat to open the door wide enough to get out.

It is obviously a case where size does matter.

With a tradition of hearty breakfasts

Property consultant Chesterton has dug up an arresting temptation for potential buyers of Morpeth Court, near Newcastle upon Tyne. This 19th century castle-style former courthouse, converted to create 3,500sq ft of bar and restaurant space, is currently on the market for £250,000.

But, after describing the property as an "interesting proposition", Chesterton homes in on a grisly detail. "A small door to the side of the building leads to the former condemned cell," reads the blurb. "From there, a short final walk led to the gallows!"

This must be what they mean by the hard cell.

They actually called it the sweat menu

Spotted on the sweet menu recently at the Jarvis Gloucester Country Club: "Cappachino Mouse - a sponge-based desert finished with sauce anglaize."

Doesn't take your fancy? Well, you might like to opt for the "raspberry boviovre" or the "billberry cheesecake".

Someone buy that man a dictionary.