Customers from hell

Catherine Storey
co-proprietor of the Michelin-starred Chesil Rectory, Winchester, hampshire

You can't cook like the Roux brothers
"Without doubt, the worst customers we have had were a couple in the restaurant last Valentine's Day. The lady's opening gambit was, ‘I don't think much of your menu. The Roquefort soufflé sounds disgusting.' She progressed from this to complaining about the bones in her fillet of sole (which I had offered to bone) because she said she couldn't ‘pick them out when I am talking to my lover'.

"She then moaned that the staff weren't talking to her - I think she scared them to death - and, when we ordered her and her partner a taxi at the end of the meal, she complained that it wasn't a ‘sedan' and came back in to insist we find her something better.

"A couple of days later, we got a letter saying that we should go to the Waterside Inn ‘to learn something and see how the Roux brothers look after their customers'."

Nick Scade
proprietor of the New Mill, Eversley, Hampshire, and chairman of the Restaurant Association

Your reputation is at steak
"We once had a party of two couples and one of the men complained that his steak wasn't cooked properly. The other man then decided that the steak was too expensive, so we faced a problem on two fronts.

"Then another customer got so fed up with the noise that he came over, slapped £20 on the table and told them to shut up. I thought I might have to step in at that point but, luckily, one of the wives fled in tears to the bar, which defused the situation.

"I couldn't help noticing afterwards that my staff, who I had thought were standing behind me backing me up, had actually hidden around the corner."

Nick Scade, again

Lunchtimes that last forever
"Even good customers can overstay their welcome. We had one chap who regularly used to come and drink so much for lunch that he was still here when evening service started. On one occasion, he came in with his wife for a ‘quick bite' for lunch and was still drinking at 3pm. At that point, he sent her to collect the children from school. She came back with the children and the headmistress and they all stayed for several hours."

Peter Yetman
co-proprietor of Yetman's restaurant, Holt, Norfolk

The customer who made us cancel New Year's Eve for ever
"The worst customer we ever had was so bad that we stopped doing dinner on New Year's Eve because of him. He came every year with his trophy girlfriend but she smoked, which he didn't approve of, so she spent most of the meal apart from him, smoking in our lounge.

"As he left one year, he just said, ‘See you next year', and that was the last we heard from him until he turned up on the doorstep the following New Year's Eve complete with girlfriend. My jaw dropped - I had expected him to make a booking - but we were able to give him a table until 9pm, which seemed suitable as he liked to finish early.

"The problem was that he was so cross by this time - with his girlfriend, for not booking - that he drank and drank and wanted to stay later. We offered him another table that had become available, but he refused to move. Meanwhile, his girlfriend sat on that table because they weren't speaking to one another. Then he started shouting at her and another customer threatened to hit him.

"Basically, he emptied the restaurant and sat in a pall of gloom. When the taxi came, his girlfriend left without him and we all ended up in tears. We haven't done a New Year's Eve since."

Simon King
restaurant manager of Gordon Ramsay, Hospital Road, London

The fat cigar, the judge and the angry young man
"We had three men on one table and an elderly couple in their 60s on another - all of them very educated, well-mannered and pleasant. After their meals, both parties decided to take coffee in the lounge, where the elderly man asked if he could smoke a cigar. When we said he could, one of the younger men started to protest, saying he couldn't believe it was allowed, and he started giving the cigar smoker dirty looks.

"We suggested the three go back to their table for coffee but before we knew it the younger man had jumped up, grabbed the cigar out of the cigar smoker's mouth and crushed it in his fist. Then the older man stood up and they both started squaring up to each other. They then pushed each other and almost fell into the flowers before we stepped in.

"We found out later that the older man was a High Court judge. And I thought that sparring only went on in the kitchen."

Peter Hope
owner of the Spice Cafe, Manchester

The loo's a fine and private place
"It was the end of a busy Christmas night and our last customers had finally left, except for one couple who we realised had gone into the ladies' toilet, clearly to have sex. We cleared down the tables, so they must have been in there for at least 15 minutes before I went in to ask them to leave.

"I heard some fumbling, so I knocked on the cubicle door and said politely that the staff were ready to go and could they come out.

"Five minutes later, there was no sign of them so I went back and asked them again. Five minutes after that, I went in and gave the cubicle a boot. They came out minutes later, the woman buttoning up her blouse and the man completely affronted, swearing at me and saying he'd never been treated so badly.

"He said I had been incredibly rude and swore he would never eat with us again and was going to tell all his friends.

"I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't even respond. Even funnier, the next day I received a letter from him saying what a bunch of wankers we were."

BRIEF ENCOUNTERS

A dish best served cool

Fancy seeing you here
"A woman with her friend managed to book a table next to the woman's husband and his mistress. The wife was obviously shocked and there was a confrontation but the most amazing thing was that it didn't appear to affect any of the other guests. Neither did the wife let it spoil her meal - she just walked back to her table and finished her food."

A sommelier's nightmare

Money to burn
"A customer who insisted on flaming his crépe suzette with a £150-a-glass Louis XIII Cognac."

Clearing the room

It's not over till the drunk lady sings
"After a few drinks too many, a woman got up and began to entertain the restaurant with her opera singing. It was absolutely horrendous but by thanking her for her performance, we managed to nip it in the bud."

The Seven Deadly Sins of Customers

1 Abusing staff/fellow diners
2 Mobile phone bores
3 Starting a food fight
4 Shouting and swearing
5 Bellowing out: "Waiter!"
6 Vomiting at the table
7 Doing a runner