Freezer follies, superstar egos and a noisy farewell

This month sees yet another supermarket giant launching its very own gourmet range of preprepared frozen, or maybe just slightly frosty, ready meals.

Listening to the spokesperson on Radio 4's excellent but far too brief Food Programme, I was aghast to hear him claim that there "was really no need to visit a restaurant" now that such quality produce was available straight from the aisles of the chilled department.

Well, excuse me. Does that mean that the security guard who greeted you will now take your coat and pass you that life-saving G&T, and that the pilloried figure from the isolated cigarette stand will take your order and clear your plates?

Doubtless the girl at the checkout, when taking payment for your polystyrene portion, will talk you into a spend-and-save discount loyalty card, stamps or some other scheme to stop you from merely paying for your goods and getting on with your life.

Must be good

The very same superstar chefs who made you feel so inadequate and unworthy when you failed to find the time to rustle up that essential classic salade niáoise after your 10-hour working day are now saying: "Hey, don't worry, it's perfectly fine to buy this dish, I've tasted it, they've paid me a vast amount of money and, most importantly, it's got my handsome photo on the front, so it must be good!"

The most staggering thing I've seen in the rows of freezer displays are the packets of perfectly formed "Harry Ramsden-style" fish and chips.

If you've never had the experience, the Harry Ramsden chain offers some of the best fish and chips around. Now our ‘Arry must be spinning in the ground to find that millions of people are attempting to recreate this memorable plateful by opening a packet, whacking it in the oven, and tipping in onto their plate.

But who am I to criticise these wanton examples of selling out? I'd sell my grandmother at the moment to meet my VAT bill!

New wave

Sadly, this is to be my last diary, as a new wave of penpals is waiting in the wings to record their thoughts, opinions and confessions.

I have always felt these musings to be something of a catharsis, and am amazed that so many people seem to be interested in the roller-coaster ride that is running a provincial market-town restaurant.

As I have a reputation as someone who has an opinion on everything, doubtless you will see my rantings and ravings on the Letters page - or in the waste disposal. So sorry to disappoint, but I won't be going quietly!