Table talk

It's the only language they understand

Datuk Paduka Abdul Kadir Sheikh Fadzir, Malaysia's minister for tourism, is taking a hard line with rogue taxi drivers in Kuala Lumpur. "I estimate that 10% of cab drivers in this city cheat their customers, and they are communists and traitors to our country. Which is why, if I can get the legislation through parliament, I propose to have them lined up against a wall and shot," he told a press conference. "Many cabbies are rude to visitors and try to cheat them. It is my firm belief that putting a few drivers against the wall and shooting them, as an example to others, is just the kind of treatment they deserve."

Going over the top on the saucy advice

Need any help scoring with the ladies? Well, it seems Warrick Dodds, head chef at Northcote Manor in Lancashire, has all the answers. In the latest edition of FHM he shows readers how to cook up three dishes "that will have the fairer sex diving under your duvet". But when Dodds goes as far as endorsing Dolmio Bolognese sauce with the words "you can't go wrong with this one", we have to wonder whether he's having a laugh. Surely discerning females would want to avoid hormone-crazed blokes stirring in the Dolmio while thinking themselves the height of sophistication.

Fiddler on the spoof

The finance director involved in the proposed management buyout of Signature Restaurants goes by the rather unfortunate name of Nicholas Fiddler. Well, it could have been worse. He could have gone into social work and specialised in child protection. His unusual name put us in mind of another finance director, at Greene King Pub Company. We wonder if Michael Shallow has a hard time persuading people he's not just in it for the money and the free beer.

The prima donna formerly known as a pop star

Diminutive pop star Prince went down a storm at a rare London concert last week. But the furniture in his room at the Metropolitan hotel on Park Lane, however, was reportedly not to his liking or specifications. It is understood the Minneapolis marvel had his own specially shipped over.

And you won't find bin Laden there either

You could be forgiven for thinking that catering in a war zone was a pretty tough gig. But when asked about his impression of Afghanistan, Melvin Hall, the first Royal Air Force chef to be stationed there during the recent campaign, said somewhat cryptically: "It just reminded me of Windsor on a Sunday afternoon."

Restaurateur's train of thought

Those bully-boy London Underground union bosses had better watch out. Patrice Auffret, assistant manager of Maison Novelli in the City, who saw his lunchtime trade halve during the past fortnight's two one-day strikes by Tube staff, muttered darkly last week that maybe restaurateurs should come together and sue the RMT and ASLEF unions for the loss of trade. But then he came over all philosophical. "What would be the purpose of that? After all, restaurants are not the greatest losers on strike days," he observed wearily, adding: "I just hope common sense prevails."