Table talk
It's a dirty job… but someone has to do it
Fancy being a luxury hotel tester? A lot of people do. So when Small Luxury Hotels of the World invited volunteers to become mystery guests they were inundated. Here is a sample of the replies…
"As an American, I expect all hotels to be luxurious, and spend hours filling in hotel evaluation forms."
"I love staying away, but don't do it enough,
I'm observant and good with all that stuff.
I will test the facilities for all they're worth,
And write a report that dishes the dirt.
I'll be fair, but leave nothing out.
I'd make a great tester, so try me out!"
"A luxury hotel would allow me to stay up late and eat lots of chocolate and sweets. It would have a swimming pool and a garden for me to run about in. They would be able to warm my baby sister's bottles and there would be a nice lady who could look after us while Mummy and Daddy have their backs rubbed and eat lots of nice food."
(Applicant, aged two-and-a-half)
"I know how couples who are in love like to be looked after."
"I am the perfect tester of hotels. I invite friends to my home for food, drink and comfortable accommodation, and they return in large numbers."
"I have the ability and tenacity to get the full story from staff about what goes on without looking too cheeky. And I don't get time to watch Crossroads, so I should get some compensation."
"I'm the perfect tester because I love the type of bubbles, whether they're in a deep bath or a tall, slim glass, that make a person sigh with pleasure."
"We would form a good team: my husband checks the whole atmosphere, the vibrations of the place (he is a composer) and the lighting. Being French, I look at the details, the look, the food, and the staff."
"We have developed a luxury testing scale based on the sophistication and quality of conversation we enjoy while sipping a Taittinger in the Jacuzzi. We would be happy to bring this, our high level of aesthetic judgement, and our well-honed sybaritic taste, to your service."
"Despite our inherent reticence, being English isn't necessarily an impediment to obtaining good service!"
"I have an opinion on most things and will call a spade a spade. However, when it's good, I'll say it's good."
"I would make a good luxury hotels tester because I have known the opposite to luxury, such as: rock-hard beds, cockroaches on a bedroom floor, mouse droppings in the kitchen, and an ant invasion in an apartment."
"Pampering and I are a perfect match, it's just the financial wherewithal that I am lacking in order to perfect this dormant potential expertise. I have my overnight bag packed waiting to hear from you."
