Table talk

Never mind, it's only a game (sob!)

With Cateys night clashing with the World Cup semi-final between Brazil and Holland, an announcement was made from the stage as soon as it was learned that the South Americans had won 4-2 on penalties.

The scoreline was greeted with a rumble of excitement from most of the audience, but for one guest it seemed to come as something of a shock. The colour swiftly drained from his face, to be replaced by a look of total despair.

Whisper around the table was that the pallid guest had placed a £25,000 bet on the outcome of the match and had backed the Dutch to win.

Top score for an unsuspecting mark

A press release reaches me from the Waterfront Restaurant in Argyll, which is thrilled to announce that it has been chosen for inclusion in a "prestigious" guidebook.

The owners are particularly delighted with the 96% rating for friendliness, speed of service and quality of food - "one of the highest scores in the UK," it was told.

What the unsuspecting restaurateurs did not know is that thousands of establishments around the country got exactly the same letter from the non-existent Good Restaurant Guide, exposed as bogus a fortnight ago.

Let's just hope the Waterfront didn't fork out the £19 for a certificate of recommendation.

Always putting his name to his plates

Chefs, on the whole, aren't known for being shy and retiring, but some are even less retiring than others.

At the recent launch of Springboard Scotland, star guest and all-round media celebrity Nick Nairn turned up in a shiny green Lotus Elise sports car boasting the personalised number plate N1 NRN.

What a guy.

Forte contributes to a Noble cause

Plenty of work lately for Emma Noble, who has charmed the nation (well, abouthalf of us) with the transparency of her clothing, among other things.

Forte was the latest to succumb to the gifts of the fiancée of James Major, when the group recruited her to help open its latest Callaghans Bar in London.

But if the executives were hoping for something see-through, they didn't get it. Emma wore a sturdy tweed jacket.

So his sex life is pushing up daisies

Geoff Horrocks, landlord of the Old Royal Oak in Rugby, has slapped a sex ban on his wife so he can concentrate on his gardening.

The publican is so keen to win the Pub Garden of the Year contest that he has decided to conserve his energies for tending his flowers.

"Combining the pub with pushing the lawnmower, digging the beds, clipping the roses and having a sex life, it was all too much - something had to give," said Horrocks.

Wife Linda was said to be "a bit miffed" at his decision. "I'm having to keep my feminine charms under cover until he's ready to reveal his blossoms to the judges," she said.

You'd think he'd give up and stay at home

Michael Winner's reputation went before him when he visited the Henllys Hall Hotel, at Beaumaris, Anglesey.

The man who lists "being awkward" as one of his recreations in Who's Who spent a weekend at the hotel recently and, in the words of a hotel spokeswoman, left the staff and management with "much to discuss".

She added: "We would have to say that he lived up to his reputation and did not hesitate to let us know if we failed to meet his exacting standards." Delicately put.